Carrying around the vitriol and resentments from your marriage will likely poison future relationships.

Once you start dating, it’s just not pleasant to listen to someone bitch endlessly about an ex-spouse and often sends up a red flag.

As you go through the process of divorce, there is often a desire to either run from the pain of the failed marriage into the distraction of a relationship or to shut yourself off from it, immersing yourself in work, kids, working out or wounded isolation.

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You will gain perspective on your marriage and yourself, and learn about things you want and don’t want in a relationship this time around.

You also will learn how to be a girlfriend/boyfriend rather than a spouse, which will take some time, especially if you spent a good part of your adulthood in a marriage.

This healing work is best done in the context of individual psychotherapy or a healing-after-divorce support group to help you see your blind spots, unhelpful beliefs and stuck places. It’s important to explore that and own your part, seeing what lessons you can learn so that you don’t continue making the same mistakes.

It also can help you find some acceptance and letting go of your former spouse in a healthy way.

We learned from Jerry Maguire that the ultimate in connection is: ; but that sort of dependence on another person to feel whole is not sustainable.

It will deprive you of an essential growth opportunity to gain wisdom, strength and trust in yourself.And at some point, even if you’re nervous about it, you just need to start: The next stage is to launch a profile and enter into the brave new world of online date shopping.This is a fertile ground for seeing how your process of dating can be your own worst enemy or your guide to fulfillment, seeing where more growth and healing lies, for discovering who you are and are becoming—and for having a lot of fun, too.I wasn’t looking for someone to take care of me or to have children with or to be accepted by my family.There were no rules, no societal expectation or reputations or worry about.I was so overwhelmed and confused by all the winks and blinks and nods (or winks and likes and favorites), I shut it down two hours after launching.